| its not from you, you don't cause it |
[December 26, 2009 | 10:40 PM] |
i'm so sick of having a big heart and not being able to move on.
i don't understand how people manage to get such a hold on me.
its like as soon as i move on and am starting to be happy and get my life together they decied its a good time to come crashing back into and fuck me up all over again.
i just want to be happy, and know whats going on in my own head. and yours, cause i don't think you're all that sure either, and i don't believe you're being entirely honest. i don't think you ever really were.
i just want to sleep forever. i hate it here, and i hate it in boston.
i'm so sick of this.
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[December 26, 2009 | 01:40 PM] |
i get where you're coming from but don't give me shit for it, cause you've both been the same excat way before. but have had more control and say in the situation.
i've seen it and let you deal with it on your own with out giving you shit about it, you have no right to fucking do this to me.
this is a lot more complicated for me. and who the fuck are you to tell me i suck when you say you miss mike fucking 4 hours after he left? but its wrong of me to want to see someone i get to see normally once a week if that, and on weird terms with fucking erica around or something?
you know how weird and complaicated it is and my opinon and feelings on it. just cause you're mad at me for not wanting to get drunk again and sleep with at your place with your depressing as fuck attudide cause you're physco boyfriend is an hour and a half away for HALF the week does not make me a dick. Sorry i just fail to see the point there.
yes thanksgiving was really fun but its still a different situation, you were happy cause mike was here and going to meet all of us (although he some how missed meeting me, strange huh?)
i abandon you to see a gay movie? it wasn't that bad in actuallity sorry you're wicked snotty and its only okay for you to watch or do stupid or 'gay' stuff with mike cause you 'love him'.
fuck you dude you're such bullshit.
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[December 25, 2009 | 03:55 AM] |
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jfsndkjfngkljrhdf
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| don't read this |
[December 24, 2009 | 01:31 AM] |
i sit here and just sink into this sadness. i let myself. i like it in a way. i like listening to music that reminds me of you. reminds me of the memories, the good times, your hand in mine, your kisses, your laugh. OMG i can't fucking write 2 sentences about you without crying. i miss lying in your bed, talking about nothing and everything. i miss you. WHY CANT YOU JUST FUCKING COME BACK TO ME. WHY IS IT SO HARD TO GET OVER YOU. WHY WHY WHY. WHY CAN'T YOU LOVE ME AGAIN AND JUST LEAVE HER. WHYYYYYY DID YOUR LOVE FADE FROM ME??
i like the my music engulfed room a lot of the times. i'd much rather lie down and miss you, then do something and forget about you. which is pathetic i know but i still don't care. i don't care what anyone says. it won't change my mind about you. i'm not going to get over you until i find someone better. no matter how long it takes. i don't care, i really don't. so everyone can shutup now. why can't time just go back. i would honestly, at this point, do anythinnggggg to go back in time, and take back EVERYTHING I EVER DID OR SAID TO YOU! i would be with you right now. i would keep you close no matter what. i wouldn't argue with you. i WOULD be the one keeping you happy, not her. i would be the one kissing you, holding your hand, everything. we would be together all the time, being cute, driving around, seeing your mom and dad and cindy, laughing constantly.
i still make up scenarios where you might walk into my house, see me in the living room, me wondering how the hell you got here, and you just sitting down with me, telling me you love me still and want to be with me. i actually made up a scenario tonight that you would possibly text me and tell me how pretty i looked. i guess i wasn't pretty enough. i definitely tried though. no matter how many times people say otherwise, they're wrong. i dont deserve you. people can say that you don't deserve me, but they're stupid and wrong. i'm the one who hurt you, and you're always going to be the one who got away. and i'm sorry. i'm so fucking sorry i hurt you so much. i'm sorry i made you cry. i'm sorry i broke up with you that last time and didn't walk back through the door. WHAT IF I HAD WALKED BACK THROUGH THE DOOR!!?!!??! ohhh umm ya we would still be together. i could've just smartened up and turned around and kissed you and said sorry. instead i treated you like shit, walked out the door and haven't seen you since. i'm literally the most pathetic person ever. do people actually think this way? or am i just a psycho. i'm probably just a freak for missing you in general considering how long its been. why all of sudden am i thinking about you though. i was doing SOOOOO welll without you. you weren't texting me and i wasn't texting you. it was perfect, i was happy. i would think about you from time to time, but not like this. now i'm just back to where i was. i'm back to being miserable without you. i'm back to being really unhappy. and i just miss being happy with you. i'll get over you soon, i promise everyone. i know i'm so annoying with all my complaining. but my notebooks and stupid little journals are all filled. the computer stores as much as i want it to. thankgod. maybe i should just start writing in a word document and stop annoying everyone.
i'm sorry bobby proctor, i miss and love you more than you will ever know. i still hope one day you will come back to me.
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